How to lose a great guy's interest?
Are you an attractive, smart woman with a lot going for you, but you just don't "get" why men just won't approach you or ask you out? Or maybe you get asked out often, but it never goes further than a few dates before the guy kinda just drifts away - with NO good explanation?
There are a lot of reasons why a man will feel intimidated and put-off by a woman, even if she's got a lot of otherwise GREAT qualities. I wouldn't want you to keep missing out on meeting and attracting an amazing man who could just turn out to be The One, just because of a few simple mistakes that you're making? Is there a man in your life who you're just "friends" with right now, but you'd like to get closer to? Or maybe you keep meeting great guys but they never ask you out?
I'm going to let you in on what men look for when first meeting a great woman, in order to get interested enough to ask her out, and what is the absolute TURN OFF for a man when he first meets you.
And then later, I'll tell you the 3 traits that all men look for when "sizing a woman up" for a relationship or to ask her out. But back to my questions about meeting great men and getting their interest...If you're like lots of women I've met and talked with, then just the idea of being upfront about how you feel or asking a man out makes your stomach knot up in fear. What if he rejects you? What if you embarrass yourself ? And besides, isn't a man supposed to approach YOU and make things happen if he feels something for you, too?
Well, there's something important I want you to remember that will help make you successful in almost any early dating situation with a man... whether you're just meeting, dating, or already creating a connection with him. There is something that women often forget about men, which is fascinating to me...
Which is that MOST men are just plain nervousor scared when it comes to approaching attractive women, talking to them, and asking them out? I've seen it all my life. No matter where I go or who I'm with, most of the men around me are scared stiff of approaching women.
And sure, guys do their best to project confidence once they finally do build up the courage to talk to a woman... that's part of the reason men often use some dumb "opener" or curtsies pick-up line that their friends told them works with women. But trust me when I say that most men were born nervous and afraid to approach women they're interested in. You might not see it right now, but deep down men see women as the ones with the "control" and the "power" when it comes to dating situations. Especially when it comes to meeting up and the "courtship" stage early on.
But lots of women don't really "get" this, or seem to forget it in the moment, when they meet a guy they're interested in, and so they end up giving away some of the advantages that other women - who know what's going on in these situations - naturally enjoy with men.
You've probably seen this with a girlfriend. Maybe she's always fun, cool, calm, and collected when she's out with you or enjoying herself. At least until "HE" walks into the room.("He" is usually some guy she finds VERY ATTRACTIVE and would like to get to know better, but she doesn't know how to go about moving forward or connecting with him on a deeper level.)
So what does your girlfriend do when "he" shows up?
First off, she changes very quickly from the cool and socially intelligent woman you know into an anxious, uncertain, and self-conscious MESS.
And then, like most women do in this situation when they feel a deep level of attraction for a man that they aren't close with yet, she instantly assumes that the strong physical chemistry must be something that HE feels too. And that's when things start to go wrong...She starts to compliment him endlessly.
"Wow, you must be really smart to know that."
She laughs at everything he says (even when they're not that funny).
"Ha Ha! You are so funny!"
And she offers and tries to do "nice" things for him to show how much she really cares about him and how she wants to see him again - "Oh, that's too bad your car broke down. Maybe I could drive across town to pick you up and give you a ride tomorrow!?" If you've ever watched one of your girlfriends do this kind of thing with a guy they just met, or if you've ever DONE THIS YOURSELF, then you probably already know the frustration that comes from being sweet, complimentary, and "real" with a man, and then having it get you NOWHERE. Or worse, having it lead to REJECTION where the man isn't interested in you at all. And you might also add to that the pain of watching other women have MORE SUCCESS with men than you do, while they DON'T do the generous things you do, and they don't have great conversations with men about real things in life, and they aren't the good person you are.
So, what's going on here?
Do men not like women who are "real"?
Why is it that being honest or complimentary with a man doesn't make him "feel it" for you? And why is it that men play "games" when it comes to meeting, dating, and attraction?
Let me spell out a few common elements in playwhen it comes to men and dating:
1. A man won't like women JUST BECAUSE she's being "nice." Nice can be a "bonus", kind of like toppings on a cake, but it's not the nice, sweet, and genuine behavior that makes a man FEEL ATTRACTION for a woman.
2. When you try to get a man's interest or attention by appealing to his personal interests like a good friend would, he not only won't "feel it" for you, but he'll actually lose interest in you when he sees you trying win his "approval."(Example: pretending to be interested in a sporthe's really into)
3. Attraction isn't something that takes place on a logical or "rational" level. Casual conversation won't create it. Instead, attraction is an EMOTION that has its own set of rules, and is something going on outside the everyday communication "channel" of words and meaning. If you want to make a man notice you and experience the feelings of desire and attraction that will drive him to approach and "court" you, then you need to stop all the APPROVAL-SEEKING behaviours, and start learning how to create an EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCE with him. And in case you haven't noticed, men aren't necessarily interested in MORE than a "fling", or a short-lived situation, when they first meet a woman.
That's because often a man's initial interest in a woman has everything to do with him feeling PHYSICALLY attracted to her. I'd like to get back to the topic of "he", the guy that women become intensely attracted to without having connected or talked much with, if at all.
There's something fascinating I see happen when women experience this kind of instant attraction for a man. They take what could be a great relationship in the future and ruin it from the start. When HE shows up, HE quickly becomes more of an IDEA than REAL. And this is where women often go wrong in dating situations, and with getting into relationships with men they don't truly see and understand for who they are.
The woman will get very excited about the dates she has with this guy she just met. She'll tell her friends about it, talk as if he was the man she'd been waiting for her whole life... while in reality she doesn't know him that much at all. She'll start to act like they're already in a real, committed relationship, even though nothing of the sort has ever been discussed between them. In his mind, he's just getting to know her. In her mind, he's already her "boyfriend." You know you're doing this when you've been seeing a man for a short time and:
-- He doesn't call when you expect him to or want him to, and you let him know you're disappointed. And he gets defensive or annoyed with you.
-- You're already wondering if he's seeing anyone else and it bothers you.
-- You clear your weekend in hopes you'll spend it with him, even though he hasn't implied anything about that yet. And he doesn't automatically ask you out each weekend.
-- He's doing things with his friends or by himself instead of automatically inviting you, and it hurts your feelings.
I call this the "Instant Relationship" syndrome, and it can be a real ATTRACTION KILLER for a man when a woman gives out that vibe. He gets the feeling she's somehow needy or desperate, and it creeps him out. The female equivalent of this is when a guy you just met pressures you to sleep with him on a first date, or when a guy you're not quite that "into" yet starts calling all the time, expecting you to spend entire weekends with him, and getting jealous even though you aren't a real "item" yet. That's the same kind of feeling that a man gets when you pull the "Instant Relationship - on him...that feeling of "Eeeewwww."
Sure, I understand that it's totally possible to meet someone and this is NEVER an issue. You meet someone you totally connect with and you're both calling each other all the time and clearing your weekends for each other and thinking "relationship" very early on...
But here's the caveat:
They already have to have a deep level of ATTRACTION for you. That makes all the difference. Therefore, if you just met a man and you can sense that he's taking it "slow" getting to know you, don't pull the Instant Relationship on him. Just don't do it. Take your time getting to know HIM, too.
You see, a man has to find a way to quickly know for CERTAIN when he meets you whether you are the kind of woman who will be a healthy addition to his life, or if you're going to be “trouble" in his world. So how does a man go about this? Does he just ask a woman, "Hey, are you healthy and in a good place? Because I want to make sure that you're going to bring mostly positive experiences and emotions to my life?"
Instead, a man is looking for direct and indirect signals to tell him what he needs to know about a woman before he even gets involved with her.
And in case you didn't know... men look for,find, and make meaning out of the signals they get from women almost INSTANTLY. If you've read the book "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell, then you know what I'm talking about here. In this book, the author talks about how we all make "snap-judgments" in order to size up the things in our environment. So along these lines, let's look at a few of the things a man is looking for in a woman when he's making those subconscious instant judgements:
1. PHYSICAL HEALTH
You know that men are often attracted to women of a certain physical size, shape, etc. in general. But do you know exactly why this is? It's not because these sizes and shapes "look better." It's because men are wired to identify signs of Fertility and Youth in women. And the good news here is that a perfect hip-to-waist ratio is NOT the only way to indicate to a man that you are
"Youthful" and "Fertile."
Personal "energy", attitude, body language, and fashion can all act as indirect indicators of these things as well.
2. EMOTIONAL WELL-BEING
It's no secret that men like to make fun of women for being too "emotional." And while this is often just teasing, this common male habit shows the existence of something deeper - that among men there is a strong belief in the importance of an emotionally-stable woman.
Men who are interested in relationships are EXTREMELY critical of how a woman handles herself and her emotions, because to them it says everything about how a woman will be when they're close and connected and what's in store for him.
3. SENSE OF HUMOR
This is the most subtle determinant of how a man will see a woman. When a woman is funny, laughing, or making jokes, it's an indication of her high level of self-esteem and social status. When a man sees a woman smiling or laughing, or when a woman is funny and playful with a man, it
lets him know on a subconscious level that she is someone he can respect. An equal. And this can make a woman VERY desirable.